Conversation Corner

With all the great conversation that I get into each week with parents I've decided to do a blog post each week as a highlight reel. 

It's fun for me to keep them as a diary as well as share, and give a glimpse of what's going on.

This week the conversation comes from a Facebook Group called Raising Teenage Girls Is HARD! Parenting Teens Support Group by Teen Thrive.

The Anonymous Member, April 4, 6:01 pm shared:

I know I’m not the only parent here who does literally everything for their child yet is blamed for ruining their lives. After last night’s explosion, a new method I am thinking about using is not doing anything besides feeding sheltering and clothing.
No hosting sleepovers, no getting her to and from Horse Back Riding,  no paying for Horse Back Riding,  no taking her to get extravagant hairstyles that cost a lot of money, no more intentional talks with her about sex and boys, no more helping her plan a big birthday party,  no more supplying her with extra items for her bedroom,  no more plans to come out of pocket for an animal she wants to adopt,  no more having her back at school whenever she’s experiencing an issue  with a teacher or student,  no more supplying her with a way to connect with her friends  on a regular basis,  no more arranging outings and driving her places  she wants to go, nothing.
These are all things that I do as a supportive parent  on a regular basis and she is still a child  who is disrespectful, defiant,  verbally explosive,  manipulative,and believes she has a horrible life and I am the one to blame for it.
She does suffer from mental health issues, including disruptive, mood disorder, ADHD, autism spectrum disorder (high functioning), and  clinically, diagnosed depression.  She is on medication and has been taken to therapy weekly for nearly a year and a half now. We are on a waiting list for her to get evaluated to start seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis  instead of counseling sessions, but in the meantime I’m so tempted to just throw my hands up. I don’t know what else to do.

In the last week I received two phone calls from the state stating that my child has  made claims of abuse in the home (not true).  Both of claims have been written off.  I’m just beside myself.  I have no one in the home to back me up. I’ve been a single parent since pregnancy.  This just feels like a nightmare.
Has anyone else used the tactic of providing basic needs and stripping everything else?  I know part of parenting is providing emotional support and guidance, but my child does not appreciate that or recognize it at all.  she still remains defiant and fixed in her defiant ways.

My response:

Hi
I'm a student coach and I live in this world daily. I could write an essay on that. I won't. This issue you are sharing about is so common in my line of work that I am trying to sort out how to help parents with it.

There is a gap, a problem awareness gap, with parents and teens. I'm just going to riff a bit here in an attempt to share what I see happening.

I missed how old she is so the timing varies but generally... you can't skip over the existential crisis that happens in these years as part of the coming of age process.

These years are about individuating and growing up. You can't get to the other side without friction. Here's the thing... the friction doesn't have to be between you.

It can be with the growing up experience. Teens struggle with this milestone. That's why in cultures all around the world for centuries there's been rituals that signal this very special time... eg. Catholics with confirmation, Jewish bar and bhat mitzvah... Latin culture quincenera... polinesian with rituals guiding and encouraging the discovery and being in search of your manna.

Our young people are savvy and smart and also scared! Scared because we don't talk about it enough and we just expect them to listen to us!

It's wrong!

What we should be doing is teaching them to listen to themselves!

Guiding and encouraging them to develop a deep trust in themselves and their capabilities and capacity to create a bright future. This should never be a conversation about control or obedience. If you make it about that you're not looking far enough out onto the horizon.

Do you want to like your child when they're a grown adult? What kind of relationship do you want to have with them when they're 25 for example?

Creating those outcomes starts now.

These situations like yours and I'm seeing many comments of being in the same boat signal to me that you need to elevate your game.

Shift your perspective. Have this conversation.

The one about who they are becoming and what they see for their future.

Become a partner in this process. Say we're going to figure it out together. It's scary but it's time. Time to step into "Jr adulting" (no reason this can't be fun).

Start sharing the facts of all of the pressures, the bills, the responsibilities. Share them so they feel respected and empowered that you believe in their maturity and potential and want to see them thrive in life on their terms!

Require them to take on responsibilities.

All this is individual and you determine what's appropriate for what they can handle.

It's not an exercise in breaking their spirit or scaring them straight.

It's just time to get real and grow up!

That can be an amazing experience!

It's just going to require a paradigm shift in how you see your roles in the relationship as you head into this next exciting phase.

This is just me, a mom of teens, who works with teens all day every day, sharing what's working.

I'm sending the biggest hug to all who might read this.

(and yes, I welcome your messages. I hope I've helped, I'm here to support.)