This week in the deep...

We're getting into a conversation that has the potential to get everyone fired up.

Here in this wonderful group, Teenager parenting (Raising teens), with over 134K members a mom wrote in... 

She shared and asked for help...

Please I need help, suggestions, whatever will help. I am about loosing my mind. My daughter 14 had been having a hard time with behaviour. She talks back, can appear rude, argumentative a.d can be disrespectful.
However, when sje realises I and other people are mad at her,, she is quick to apologise and sober up but then again, goes back to doing what she does. She never sees her actions as wrong and quick to blame others. Problem is, the complains from her school became too much with two suspensions. I had to take her out of the school. She has barely been in class all of year 9. Spent alot of time in isolation and detention.
Now I found her another school who accepted her and within less than a month in, she been has been expelled.
I don't know to do and where to go. I have sat her down at different times to ask what the problem was for the behaviour and she says she does not know why she behaves the way she does.
I don't know if I will be able to get her another school, since she is no longer in her old school, will they agree to give her a reference.
Anyone with kids expelled, how did you deal with it? I am a single parent and although she sees her dad occasionally, she is solely with me.
Please help me.

__

My heart went out to her and as I read some of the other comments I, of course, had to share my thoughts... 

Here's what I wrote...

I’ve read many of the comments here and I see a lot of diagnosing and labelling and suggesting prescription medication. The message here seems to scream CONFORM CONFORM CONFORM!
That’s why I’m jumping in to share that your daughter is completely normal. The reason I know that is that she can control her behavior. You witnessed it with your mom. That is a bright glimmer of light in all of this that tells us there’s nothing wrong here.
Your daughter is going through growing up. Her brain is developing. It’s the most normal thing in the world when you’re growing up to struggle with impulse control and self regulation, especially since she sounds like a total sweetheart, and when she has a chance to reflect does the right thing. She’s absolutely wonderful. Your mom’s strictness are like guardrails helping her neurologically map her behaviour more intentionally. That’s mindfulness.
Young minds need guidance (guardrails) as behaviour patterns are being established.
I run a student success program and it’s all I teach all day and I see the difference just acknowledging that this is developmental and normal. In fact I’d go as far as suspecting that she’s probably really bright… a future leader even!
Schools don’t determine whether a person is ‘on track’ in life. They determine whether a person is progressing on their track. There is a huge difference between growing up and getting an education.
My point is normalize that this is her experience of growing up so far and that together you’ll figure out a productive and supportive path forward. Take an empowered stand for her.
I could really go on and on and I’d start to sound like I’m selling. I believe in what I do. I always welcome messages from parents. For now, here in this thread, I’ll leave you with that this is completely normal and developmental.
I hope it helps. Hugs to you both! You’ve got this! 🙌🤗♥️

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It's not that the other parents were wrong, it's not about that. There were plenty of comments that were supportive. It's the ones that point to there being a problem that get me going!

I was moved by how quickly Mom answered me. She is obviously struggling to find help and feel like she understands how she got here.

Here's her response...

Lucy Colangelo thank.you so so much Lucy. Yes she is really bright, she is at the top of her class when she has it together, her club coaches says she is an asset to them when she is behaving. The principal of both school says she had the attributes of a leader but it has been channelled in the wrong direction. According to the Matrons in her boarding school, she said it felt like she had been with them for a long time and had great social skills.
Can I PM you?

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I was almost moved to tears. Of course her daughter is bright! Top of her class! OF COURSE! 

NO SURPRISE AT ALL!

I can't wait to keep chatting with this wonderful mum about her precious daughter. 

For now I'll leave you with this.

We must not judge and seek to label and diagnose and medicate just because our kids don't conform to the standard. There is so much more to growing up then just getting educated!

As always, I am grateful to be in this conversation with all of you. We can and must do better. I am as committed as ever and know you are too!

Until next time, let's see our children for the extraordinary gift that they are!

Love becoming,

Lucy